It is almost 11:30 here and I am ready to go to sleep. In fact I have been ready to go to sleep for a while now and laid in my bed for about 45 minutes with no success. While my husband and daughter are snoozing their little hearts out my heart is heavy and I can't seem to just close my eyes and relax. Maybe it is all spurred on by my forgetfulness recently and the distress that can bring when you forget about a special event for someone that is close to you or you forget a doctors appointment (grr) and don't know if there will be a penalty. Maybe it is because of my own interpersonal difficulties right now that could make any person burdened on a daily basis. Maybe it is because I just watched a show on the 5 big threats to our world dying off (what a light hearted choice of Troy's don't you think?) Whatever it is I just can't seem to get myself to fall asleep so I figured I would just ease my mind by sharing my thoughts on here. After all, this is my blog. And if you don't have an interest in reading this since it's not happy fun pictures of my baby girl then you don't have to. Thankfully you get to choose.
When I go into Aubrey's room at night it is so bittersweet. I look at her in her cozy pj's and her sweet little face as she dreams away of who knows what (sometimes she smiles and I have to wonder what in the world she is smiling about?) and I worry. I don't remember being a baby and not knowing that things are too expensive and jobs pay too little. I didn't worry about losing the people you love whether they are taken from this world or merely taken from your world. Aubrey lives in this sweet happy world where all she knows is her mommy and daddy and milk and twice a day some bananas or pureed carrots. But one day reality will hit and she too will have to face some of the demons that we all have. I just dread that day for her. When she gets laughed at or let down. It's ok to have disappointment, it's only human. I am definitely not one of those parents who thinks that every person should be allowed to make the team and there shouldn't be cuts. We all have our strengths and we all have our definite weaknesses and to ignore that fact is ignorance. But what about the stuff that we can't really control that really hurts us at our core? Will she be liked by people? Will she fall in love? Will someone ever love her? Will she get to hold her baby in her arms? Will I get to hold her baby in my arms? I really don't understand why I have gotten myself into such a melancholy mood tonight. I think it was the tv show. But whatever the reason these feelings are real and I can't imagine that I'm the only one thinking these things. And now that I have pulled you down with me you will probably be thinking these things whether you were before or not. It is reality and it's ok. God is good and He is in control. Sometimes I just have to remind myself of that. Sometimes it doesn't seem to make too much of a difference anyway even though I absolutely believe it to be true. I think I am going to go to sleep and think about my beautiful daughter sleeping in the room next to me and be happy that I am so blessed to have even met her. Even for a day. That in itself really does show you how good God is.
2 comments:
I read your post a few days ago. I intended to come back and leave a comment later, but never did. And I thought someone else would leave a comment. But, just so you know, I read your post!
Hi, Kristin...sometimes things just seem kind of random, don't they? Why give and then take back? Every day that goes by I'm more and more aware of the finite element of all our lives. Faith doesn't take away the all of the pain of it for me, but it does take away much of the the need to rationalize the "why" of everything. Enjoy your blessings!
Love you...
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